The Ace Attorney Songbook
by LemonSmoothie
Summary: Inspired by the hilarious "Singing in the Courtroom: A JP and CzarThwomp Duet." A collection of song parodies. Spoilers for all games.
1. Welcome to the Prison Block

"Welcome to Our Prison Block"

Disclaimer: "Welcome to the Forty Thieves" originally written by Randy Peterson and Kevin Quinn.

CR-S01 belongs to Atlus. All Ace Attorney characters copyright to Capcom.

Author's Note: I just couldn't get the image of the previous series murderers welcoming Blackquill to their cell block. As for CR-S01's guest appearance, it's my personal headcanon that he and Blackquill met in prison and bonded over the fact they're professionals who don't stop performing their jobs despite being incarcerated. And…you know, the fact that neither one did what they were accused of. Blackquill and CR-S01 are the only ones mentioned here who are innocent of crimes.

[Yanni Yogi]

Congratulations, bub

[Luke Atmey]

You've joined the club!

[Redd White]

And everybody here agrees!

[Convicts]

We've got the finest blend

Of nearly honest men!

Welcome to our prison block!

A fraternity of thugs that you can trust

There's nothing up our striped sleeves!

[Dane Gustavia]

Got lots of grub to share!

[Jay Elbird]

Pull up an easy chair!

[Convicts]

Welcome to our prison block!

[Keyes]

Now you can openly lie!

[Sirhan Dogen]

Never have to make an alibi!

[Convicts]

But we always aim to please!

[CR-S01]

Care for one another!

[Jacques Portsman]

You'll never miss your mother!

[Convicts]

This Dark Age of Law

Firsthand we saw!

Out there, they do whatever they please!

[Lance Amano]

But if you like to burke,

[Ernest Amano]

You're gonna love this burg!

[All]

Welcome to our prison block!

Welcome to our prison block!

[Blaise Debeste]

Together, we're the perfect team

Corruption is in our genes

Dare to share this family dream?

[Damon Gant]

Smile when you wake up,

Being Esau instead of Jacob!

[Convicts]

As an honorary member of the gang

Cause no one alive ever leaves!

[Sahwit]

You gotta duck and squeak!

[Engarde]

Or else your future's bleak!

[Tigre]

We gotta lifetime contract

That youse bound to keep!

[All]

You wanna save your skin,

You better fit right in!

Wel-wel-wel-come,

Wel-wel-wel-come to the prison block!

Final notes:

Gant's joke is basically me trying to do a retelling of Satan's line "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." The murderers, especially the ones who were respected before they were revealed to be corrupt like Blaise and Gant, are telling Blackquill essentially, "You go, boy" because they think (like everyone else) that Blackquill skewered an innocent woman with a sword. And of course the song has the overt threats.

"Esau instead of Jacob" is simply referring to the line, "Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated." Spoken by God. Gant's simply saying that being reviled is OK.


	2. The Bond of Trust

"The Bond of Trust"

Based upon "The Quiet Inside." Original lyrics by Dewey Bunnell

I specifically thought of Gregory Edgeworth, but this song could apply to most of the defense attorneys to their clients. So I didn't specify a singer.

The night will fall, but the sun does follow

Everything will shine as it did before

There's no reason to forsake tomorrow

I'm no enemy knocking at your door

Look to the truth, and the rest will follow

Walk into the courtroom, don't be terrified

I'll defend you from the prosecutor so low

Acquittal is waiting inside

Oh, the bond of trust

Oh, the bond of trust

I don't doubt your innocence,

Far across the hall,

There may be a close call

But I'll find evidence to prove my point

There is nothing more to say

The road is long, but not hard to follow

You will find the markers if you so decide

I'll defend you from the prosecutor so low

Acquittal is waiting inside

Oh, the bond of trust

Oh, the bond of trust

Deep in the trial, the road will narrow

You will catch your breath from the great unknown

Look to me at the defense bench

Then you'll know that you're not alone

Oh, the bond of trust

Oh, the bond of trust


	3. One Case Ahead

"One Case Ahead"

Based upon "One Jump Ahead" from Disney's Aladdin, originally written by Alan Menken and Tim Rice.

[Mia]

Gotta keep...

One case ahead of the docket

One objection ahead of the verdict

I bluff only when I'm burdened

(That's Everyday!)

One jump ahead of the lawmen

That's all, and that's no joke

These guys want to see me choke

[Prosecutors]

Riffraff!

Dumb brat!

Scoundrel!

Take that!

[Mia]

Just a little give, guys

[Prosecutors]

Rip her counter, take it back, guys

[Mia]

I can take a hint, gotta face the facts

I could use some help here.

[Prosecutors]

Oh, it's sad Mia Fey has hit rock-bottom

She's become a one-woman rise in slime

[Manfred von Karma]

I'd blame parents except she hasn't got 'em!

[Mia]

Gotta defend the innocent, gotta find my answers

Tell you all about it when I got the time!

One jump ahead of the slowpokes

One leap of logic ahead of certain doom

Next time, won't want to avoid the courtroom!

One jump ahead of the hitmen

One hit ahead of the shlock

Legal cases shouldn't use a shot clock!

[Prosecutors]

Shyster!

Slander!

Outrage!

Scandal!

[Mia]

Let's not be too hasty…

[Victor Kudo]

Still I think she's rather tasty!

[Mia]

Gotta win an acquittal,

Gotta poke holes in your cases,

Otherwise we'd get along!

[Prosecutors]

Wrong!

[Redd White]

You'd better run! (maniacal laughter)

[Mia]

One jump ahead of the gavel

[Prosecutors]

Shyster!

[Mia]

One hop ahead of the clearly-guilty witness…

[Prosecutors]

Dumb brat!

[Mia]

One trick ahead of disaster

[Prosecutor]

Scoundrel!

[Mia]

They're quick, but I'm much faster

[Prosecutors]

Take that!

[Mia]

Here goes, better throw my hand in.

Hope Judge is understanding,

All I gotta do is point!

OBJECTION!


	4. Postures, Doctors, yet Devolves

You know how IS-7 dragged on for a whole year before Manfred finally won? Blaise was the Chief Prosecutor at the time, and he couldn't have been happy with Manfred's lack of progress. So I thought it'd be fun to have him sing about his irritation with Manfred. "Postures" is of course Manfred's habit of posturing, "doctors" refers to forging evidence, and "devolves" is how Manfred constantly got pushed back by Gregory's arguments.

"Postures, Doctors, yet Devolves"

Based upon "Piddle, Twiddle, and Resolve" from _1776_

Original lyrics by Sherman Edwards

[Blaise, spoken]

Dear God!

For one solid year, he's been flagging here!

A whole year!

With no conviction!

[Blaise, sung]

I do believe you've laid a curse on Japanifornia!

A curse that we now rehearse with esoterica!

A raging fire, tax increases,

Defense attorneys everywhere,

Or a cataclysmic earthquake,

I'd accept with some despair!

But no, you sent me Edgeworth!

Good God, sir...was that fair?

I say this with humility in Japanifornia

We're your responsibility in Japanifornia,

If you want Jeff Masters

Hanging from some nearby gallowed hill

If you don't want my supremacy

Forever stilled

Then God, sir, get thee to it!

For Manfred never will!

You see, Manfred postures, doctors, yet devolves

Not one damned soul should he absolve

Postures, doctors, yet devolves!

None will be absolved

In dark, dusty, dingy, dirty, debauched

Japanifornia!

They may fight here for years and years in Japanifornia,

These stonewalling lawyers of Japanifornia!

Judges can't see what is true or false,

Or what is good or bad, I'm convinced the only purpose

This court system ever had...

Was to gather here specifically

To drive Blaise Debeste _mad_!

You see, Manfred postures, doctors, yet devolves

Not one damned soul should he absolve

Postures, doctors, yet devolves!

None will be absolved

In dark, dusty, dingy, dirty, debauched

Japanifornia!

Author's Note: Yeah, I know Blaise comes off as breaking the fourth wall, but Japanifornia sounds really funny. I'm sorry I couldn't work in his verbal tics.

And that's not the Judeo-Christian God he's addressing. I always figure Blaise as worshipping a violent god. Like Moloch or Huehuetoetl. What? He loves playing with fire.


	5. Sympathy for the Devil Hand

"Sympathy for the Devil Hand"

Based upon "Sympathy for the Devil"

Author's Note: I ended up changing little for this parody. I was so amazed at how well the lyrics suit Kristoph. I'm pretty sure that he would describe himself as a man of wealth and taste.

Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a man of wealth and taste

I've been around for many a long year,

Stolen many a man's life and trust

And I was around when Phoenix Wright

Had that moment of doubt and horror

Made damn sure my brother

Cast him into the gutter

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

But what troubles you is the nature of my game

I rose to my prominence

When I came to defend Joe Darke

For his soul was no more dark than mine

Lana Skye was martyred for naught

I fired my chip shot, wore the better jabot

When the court battle raged and Edgeworth fought

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

But what baffles you is the nature of my game

I watched with glee when the ghost impaled Metis Cykes

And left the little girl to bathe in her blood

I asked, "Who killed the legal system and Shadi?"

When after all, it was you and me

Let me please introduce myself

I'm a man of wealth and taste

And I laid a trap for Drew Misham

And his innocent, fragile daughter

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

But what worries you is the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal

And all the sinners saints

As wrong is right, just call me Kristoph

Cause I'm in need of some restraint

So if you meet me, have some courtesy

Have some sympathy, and some taste

Use all your well-learned politesse,

Or I'll lay your life to waste

Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name

But what bothers you is the nature of my game

Closing Note: I am now convinced that Kristoph was the one who defended Joe Darke.


End file.
